makayla crist
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PCT | Solo Sobo

Day 7 | Soaked, Scared, and Confused

 

Day 7 | Soaked, Scared, and Confused

 

You know when everything just kinda sucks that day? Yeah I had that. First of all, someone tried to get into my tent last night. Second, there was a huge storm (scariest lightning storm I've ever been through) and EVERYTHING IS SOAKED. I saved all my camera gear because I put then in a wet bag before the rain started, which saved it. Thirdly, my tent fell down in the middle of the night. Fourth, it was only 8 more miles till the Stehekin bus which was good. Fifth, when I got there I missed the bus by 2 FREAKING MINUTES.  I cried the whole way down the trail. I had one of those moments where I was trying to cross the down trees and I just sat under a log and stayed there for awhile. That moment when you are trying to get over a down tree and you have to take 5 because you just do not think you can get over it. Everyday of my life.

 

 

***

 

This is my breaking point.

 

Being here alone in my own head, I didn't realize, but it is a scary place.I had no idea I have been avoiding this moment for a long time. That moment, where I seriously thought I couldn't do this. Only crazy people hike this, and I do not think I am strong enough. I sat down after tripping over myself and realized how weak I have been. I avoided things, and especially the hard stuff. When I quit swimming, I think that is when it all started. I avoided feeling like a failure. I avoided feeling that anger, the emotion. It has been building up for quite awhile, and it all finally came out.

 

I wanted to stop, I wanted to hide. When I got into Stehekin, I took the ferry into Chelan to get Cell phone service to call my mom and my sister. They are the only people that I know I can break down in front of. They thought I was being over-dramatic like they always do. But, I told them what happened, and it felt good to hear from them. To hear what they have to say. They calmed me down.

 

I spent the night in Chelan to re-compose myself. I needed to get my head in the right place. The feeling of being completely alone in my own head was eating at me. I hated feeling this way. But I have to face it.

 

Like what my tattoo says, don't let my fear decide my fate.

 

( Yeah, It's cheesy, and I got it when I was 18, but it does keep me in check sometimes)

 

Untill tomorrow,

 

Cheers.

makayla crist