Day Two and Three- Holy Bear Batman!
I have never seen a bear on the PCT... Until today.
I wouldn't have noticed it, if it weren't for my screaming boyfriend, who was nothing less then afraid. But I can't say anything because one day later, I almost stepped on a Gardner Snake, and freaked. Like freaked.
We ran into huckleberries, and a lot of them! If it's one thing I crave, it's fruit. We picked all that we could find, and put as many as we could in our oatmeal. And oh man, it was good.
I've been thinking a lot lately. I guess, it doesn't take that much time before you start questioning everything. I've been asking myself the hard questions. I know myself, and I need to start questioning my life. The sooner the better, because I've been avoiding this for awhile.
I spent the last couple of days alone in the forest especially questioning my creativity. Are we all just doing this to be popular? A hipster social norm? An expectation to show pictures of our vintage, PNW life- and using pretty girls to get us there? Our feet hanging off cliffs and rooftops. Showing everybody how 'cool' we are, or to show the hip stuff we have? Is this creativity? Because the last time I checked, the root of photography goes deeper than a pretty girl in a field with a faded VSCO filter. Or a materialistic Instagram account. My goal is to tell stories, and give people goosebumps. Inspire, and not create jealousy. Right now, I see a world trying to stand out just enough to fit in. And I know, I definitely fell in the trap. And it's all the same.
And it all makes sense. (I'm about to get really real for a sec)
I've spent the last year trying to avoid my feelings for leaving the trail last Summer. I put anything above how I was feeling. I thought a lot about how I looked, and who I was with. And what boy I could impress. I can't tell you how many hours I spent, thinking about somebody or something that ended up just distracting me from what I really needed to do. Anything, and any picture was dedicated to showing those people how cool I was or where I was at. Why on earth would I stoop that low. All I could think about was trying to get this boy's attention, or make him wish he wanted me. I ended up hurting myself and the people around me. Never actually present, but dreaming this perfect life up in my head.
It wasn't until, I met this girl who was the exact same person as me. She was older, and "more experienced". Or I guess that's how people would put it these days. But yet, thats how she came across. She looked stable and perfect. An artist, and beautiful. Not in the way that's standard, but in the way that everybody wanted to look as different as her. I remember she changed my direction. I got back into church, I felt this void slowly go away. My goals changed slowly, and still slowly. But they are changing. To this day. I remember she told me that, I didn't know what I was capable of, and God had something for me. And it was big. It was then that I felt a friend who actually guienuly wanted to see me be happy. And she new exactly what I was going through. She lead me into this new life. And of course I still had demons and desires. That's still very prevalent in my life.
We drifted apart, we were so the same, and it bothered me. But not to the point that I would stop hanging out with her. She avoided me. It was guys and jealousy. That is usually the story right? Old and over used, and I saw it. I saw how we could use each other to get ahead. A highlighted backstab using cameras and things, and the attention we wanted. Then I realized that's it. This last year, I got a job at a church that I loved, after I met her. But I can't dance around what happend, that I was used. For the churches own personal gain. And this was mirroring in some way, the relationship I had with this girl. The church never had an interest in where my relationship with God was, but my social media presence was what they wanted me for. I am not trying to discredit great people, because the church is amazing, and doing amazing things. But I was treated as if what I could do for them- was better then getting to know me. I remember the first night I went to get to know everybody. Everybody swarmed me, because I was new and "popular". I remember people asking me how did I get all my followers, and asked if they could get a "shout out". Time was abused, and credit is never given. Because we had to humble ourselves in the presence of God. And I believe that. But when people are telling you that, and not the Holy Spirit, or God himself, I believe that to an extent. It's what they preach. Haha.
Being humble is the truth, but people are flawed, and people are going to say things to excuse themselves. Artist's are special, and I want people to feel love and feel needed. And stand up for people who can't say anything, or just emotionally don't want to do it. That's why God created everyone different. Obviously not just for that reason. Leaders, and followers. Extroverts and introverts. It all comes back around. And everybody is equal.
Things spiraled down still. I became materialistic. And cared about my looks and what I wore. Which is my fault, and nobody else's. I started to think about ways that I could get complements from people. Because that's all the girls do to each other; is complement each others looks. It's one big hipster party with fake glasses and vintage rags. Standing out just enough to fit in. Who can be the best wife, the best dressed, or, my favorite to talk about, what 20 something year old has more life expierence.
The church is built on flawed people, and I know that. And this is one person's experience, and one version of the truth.
Everybody has their own truth, so whats real anymore?
Everybody can excuse their actions by a version of what they think is right.
Just like why I am deciding to say this.
I am hurt. And lead me here, to the point where I am so angry. Angry with everyone. Running away. Not caring. But always fighting. Always telling myself to shut my mouth, or not bring my emotions into it. But I've outgrown being stagnant- and it's time to let go of all the endless summer afternoons
. I thought the trail could erase this last year away, but it's only made it more real. Testing to see what's more important, and what needs to be talked about. If the trail taught me one thing so far, it's that all of this doesn't really matter. Looking good, quiet backstabs, my image, my body. That doesn't get you from point A to point B. My sweat, my blood, my blisters, my focus on what's real. How I can overwrite the pain, with what I think. What makes me stronger, faster, healthier. That's all I care about. I'm getting closer to the root of human existence, closing the door to bullshit.
I'm sorry for bringing my views into this blog, but I am not sorry for bringing my views into this blog. This is my life, my story of finding more of myself. And a better version of myself. And to let this shit go. I'm not looking for people to tell me that it's all going to be okay, because I know it is. Or to even keep up the good work. I'm just walking to make more sense of this all.
Maybe Batman would handle this differently.